12 Days of Christmas: Worst Gifts Ever!

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This post is a part of CHRISTMAS FOREVER. There are live shows, free content, and several bloggers contributing posts to spread Christmas cheer. You can find all of that here. There are great Christmas songs and then are terrible Christmas songs. In my opinion, one of the worst is 12 Days of Christmas. When was the last time you really thought through those lyrics? It’s just a list of awful presents the writer has received from their “true love.” If my “true love” gave me these things I’d rethink my relationship.

Let’s look at these gifts.

A partridge in a Pear Tree: That’s not too bad, I guess. Seems like a rich person gift. A bird in a tree? I usually just ask for gift cards. I wouldn’t even know where to put this. In my house? Outside? A spooky cemetery? Do I have to keep them together? Is the bird allowed to leave the tree? Or is it somehow tied or duct taped to the tree?

Two Turtle Doves: This is a nice one, too. Turtle Doves are a symbol of friendship. I only know that because of Home Alone 2.

Three French Hens: Racist. Why they got to be French? What’s the difference between a French hen and a regular hen? Do they poop crescents? I’m an American and I only want poultry raised in the heartland. USA! USA! USA!

Four Colly birds: These are European black birds. I used to think “colly” meant “common.” I thought this guy was just throwing pigeons at his lady friend. But still, why so many birds? You already got me the one in the tree, the friendship doves, and the ones from France. Why do I need four more? Stop it. Buy me a cool watch or some shoelaces. I don't want to wake up on Christmas day covered in birds. Birds are scary. They’re scary when they’re alive and they’re HORRIFYING when they’re dead. There’s a good chance most of these gifts are going to be dead in a week. I can barely take care of myself. What makes you think I can take of all these birds?! I ate leftover pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner yesterday. I haven’t showered in four days. These birds are going to die!

Five Golden Rings: This seems nice at first but who wears five gold rings at one time? Pimps do. Am I pimp? No. Of course not. At least it’s not birds!

Six Geese a Laying: Gross. This just sounds like a mess. I don’t need a bunch of geese giving birth in my living room. I walk out of the kitchen to find my carpet covered in goose placenta? No thank you. Also this gift is birds giving birth to more birds! What if I’m allergic to feathers?! This guy is trying to kill me. I’m surprised one of the days isn’t just 200 chickens with knives for beaks.

Seven Swans a Swimming: You know what? I think I like this one. It sounds kind of majestic and beautiful. But it’s more birds. Please stop.

Eight Maids a Milking: I’m lactose intolerant so already this doesn’t sound very appealing. Plus it's adding to the mess. Now I’ve got a bunch of ladies getting milk all over the goose placenta! The 13th day better be “13 dudes who are going to clean all this garbage up.”

Nine Ladies Dancing: Inappropriate. We all know what they’re talking about and I will have NONE OF THAT. NO THANK YOU! This is Christmas!

Ten Lords a Leaping: I don’t understand what this is at all. It’s just some guys jumping up and down? Merry Christmas? Why would I want this? Are they good at jumping? Do they make a funny sound when they jump? It’s a recipe for disaster if you ask me. Someone is going to slip in the living room and I’m going to get sued.

Eleven Pipers Piping: This guy’s running out of ideas. Eleven old guys come in and start smoking in my house? Stop. STOP! You all smell awful. Get out. Take some of the baby geese with you.

Twelve Drummers Drumming: We saved the worst for last. Have you ever met a drummer? They’re obnoxious. Twelve of them together in a room? No thank you. Obviously I’m joking. It’s bassists who are awful (joking again).

This song has variations from different times and different parts of the world. In one version “my true love give to me” eleven badgers baiting. What?! Is that supposed to be romantic? A bag full of wild badgers?! No!

Another version has “nine bears a beating.” What are they beating?! This version is less subtle with the whole “your true love is trying to murder you for Christmas.”

In the Christmas Forever Comedy Mixtape there’s a track all about bad Christmas gifts but none of those top the 12 Days of Christmas. Not even close. This Christmas season make sure what you’re wrapping is thoughtful, not a mess, not a million birds, and won’t kill your true love. Give them something special. It’s not “the thought that counts” when you’re gift is a pregnant goose. The thought was obviously a crazy person thought and we need to pray for your brain.


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