How to Enjoy an Awful Children's Production

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This post is a part of CHRISTMAS FOREVER. There are live shows, free content, and several bloggers contributing posts to spread Christmas cheer. You can find all of that here. Christmas time usually means having to sit through at least one terrible children’s production. It could be a choir concert at an elementary school or some sort of play production starring babies at your local church. Growing up I was involved in both.

During a choir concert in 6th grade I was stuck wearing a Santa hat while trying not to cry out of anger/embarrassment while we all sang a Britney Spears song. It wasn’t even a Christmas song. It was just Britney Spears. And I hated it.

At church I was in the plays too. One year the script for the children’s production was about a group of hobo children who put together their own little hobo christmas celebration.

Any performance by children is hilarious and wonderful and so much fun for the first 3 minutes. Then reality sets in that you’re stuck watching this for another 30 to 45 to 5 million minutes. What do you do?! How do you handle this torture? You can’t just get up in leave. Well, actually you could but that wouldn’t be polite. Plus, I heard people are going out to eat after the show and you don’t want to miss out on that. So you’re stuck there.

What are your options?

Play on your phone the whole time? Maybe. But a parent might see you and yell at you for being rude and not watching their little star. Then you’d respond with “your kid wasn’t even a believable elf, bro! I don’t want to waste my time with this amateur stuff!” Then he’s going to hit you with his car.

Fall asleep? Bad idea. Everyone knows you fart in your sleep. People will hear you and you’ll get kicked out of town.

Your best bet is to turn watching the children’s production into a fun game!

There are those in the world who play “drinking games” as they watch certain movies or tv shows. You take a drink of this every time what’s-his-name says “butter,” or chug your drink anytime a character karate chops an elderly woman. I’ve devised something like this except without the alcohol. I replaced beer with candy. It’s not as unhealthy (debatable) but you can still blackout if you have too much.

Rules for the CHILDREN’S PRODUCTION EATING GAME

Any time a kid on stage waves to their mom in the audience: eat a skittle

Kid on stage starts crying: eat a Reece’s cup

Someone’s phone goes off: eat a twizzler

A kid on stage answers a cell phone and starts yelling at a woman named Brenda about stock options: dip a twizzler in peanut butter and shove your whole hand in your mouth.

A kid on stage eats a boogie: don’t eat anything because your brain will think you’re eating that kid’s boogie and you’ll be happy again.

You hear an old person snoring in the audience: Finish the bag of skittles

You see an old person snoring on stage because they’re a sleep walker and they’ve wandered up there: go wake them up! What are you doing?! What if they accidentally punch a kid in their sleep!? When they’re awake ask if they have any hard candy. Eat that.

The set falls on a kid: drink two Root Beers.

A lady in the audience gives birth: eat a Baby Ruth (GET IT?!)

A lady in the audience gives birth and the baby gets on stage and sings a solo: Give the baby a Baby Ruth because they deserve it.

If you’re able to do all ten I’m sure you just watched a children’s production to remember.

Got any more I can add to the list? Leave it as a comment.


 

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