HOT TAKE: Thanksgiving is Dumb


I love Christmas so much I hate Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is just a speed bump you have to endure on your way to Christmas.

Thanksgiving is a bully standing between me and my ability to celebrate Christmas in public without getting judged.

Christmas is the only holiday I actually celebrate. I don’t even go to church on Easter. I always find a church that has a Saturday night service so I can avoid the crowds. GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME! I AIN'T SCARED!

Everything Thanksgiving does Christmas does better.

Time with your family? Christmas wins. Get out of here, Thanksgiving. Half of your holiday is focused on trying to get Black Friday deals so you can have an even better Christmas.

A ton of food? Christmas does that too. And better. Yeah, I said it. Christmas gives you a lot of food, but Thanksgiving gives you too much food. You eat this food all day until you're sick and then you're forced to continue eating that food for the next week. No one likes leftovers. No one is excited about leftovers. People tolerate them. Thanksgiving is famous for making you eat old food.

There are no popular Thanksgiving movies.

There’s no Thanksgiving music.

On Thanksgiving the president pardons a turkey as a fun joke where the leader of our country does a whole ceremony where he treats a dumb bird like a criminal that he’s letting off the hook. Super cool. Do we do any weird stuff like that on Christmas? No. We just talk about Jesus Christ, WHO PARDONS ALL THE SINFUL TURKEYS BY DYING ON THE CROSS. I know that's Easter related but we wouldn't have Easter without Christmas. Think about it.

I’m sure some of you aren’t really into all this Thanksgiving hate. You think I’m being a real Scrooge and you want me to be visited by the ghosts of Thanksgiving Past, Present, and Future. Well too bad. That's a Christmas thing.

Alright. That's enough. I don't want to shame you for your Thanksgiving love. It's an excuse to spend time with your family. So do it. Enjoy it. Find out something about your parents or grandparents that you never knew before. Start a tradition. Laugh and eat until you fall asleep.

Happy Thanksgiving.