All About Eating Too Much


For the last seven days I was on the road. Texas to Arkansas to Mississippi back to Arkansas and now I’m home in Texas. It was for ministry. I wasn’t on the run from the law or anything like that. I was doing stand-up and preaching. And when I wasn’t doing that I was eating too much.

This last week I ate like Jabba the Hutt.

When something traumatic happens in a person’s life their mind might decide to block the memory out. It’s easier to not remember that horrible thing at all. Yesterday I tried to write out an inventory of the meals I ate while on the road and there a few lunches and dinners I can’t recall at all. Did I block them out? What did I eat? What happened?!

“Please let this be rock bottom,” I said to myself. It was on the third slice of leftover pizza I snuck in at 2 am. I was pacing my hotel room in my underwear trying to chew as fast as I could so I could get back into bed and watch more Frasier on the Hallmark Channel. I wouldn’t eat in bed because I don’t want crumbs and I have standards!

Whenever you feel bad about something in your life do you ever try to find someone worse than you to make you feel better? “I got this terrible hair cut but at least it’s not as bad as that guy’s hair.” “My girlfriend is mean and blew up my car but at least I didn’t marry a serial killer like that person I saw on TV.” “I eat too much but at least I’m not like Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”

I have two videos that make me feel better about eating too much.

Laughing Guy Who Loves Food Goes Nuts!

I was shown this video last week and I can’t stop watching it. This guy is so excited for his disgusting looking take out. Why is he filming himself? Who is he talking to? I’ve never filmed myself eating. I’ve never reacted to food like an old prospector who found buried treasure in an abandoned mine shaft. And I’ve never eaten gross looking soup from a bag! What is that?! WHY is that?! Horrible. Horrible.


Woman Eats Two 72 oz Steaks in 15 Minutes

People always tell me I eat too fast. I just need to show them all this lady and then they’ll appreciate my meal intake more! Everyone is impressed by this, right? It’s really incredible. But at the same time it does make me feel better about how I eat. I’ve never eaten a salad in three bites with my hands. The one thing that’s kind of a bummer is that it doesn’t look like she’s having any fun. There’s no joy in this extreme challenge. She looks like she’s having to do this or the kidnappers will kill her whole family. Like this is a scene from a new food challenge sequel to Taken.


The moral of the story is I'm eating too much and I need to stop. Today is a new beginning!

Yesterday I decided my last horribly irresponsible meal would be at Cici’s Pizza Buffet. Every time I want to eat healthy I have one last meal at Cici’s. This happens every month or so. The last time I went to Cici’s I live tweeted my experience.

Everything about my decision to eat here is bad bag, Leeroy Brown. I just worked out. I walked here. I’m alone. I’m in a prom dress.

Saw a guy at another table do one of those burps that turns into a dry heave. Aw yeah. He had a good meal.

First plate done. Leave the crust and leave your dignity.

There’s always at least one guy in a baseball jersey eating at Cici’s. No matter what time of day you go. It’s a rule.

If you’re eating at Cici’s on a regular basis and you’re still able to participate in sports, you’re doing it wrong.

All great romances begin at Cici’s.

“We met at Cici’s. She was the janitor who found me passed out on the toilet.”

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go eat a fruit or green plant thing. Or maybe I'll eat ten of them. Covered in chocolate. Wrapped in a pizza. I'll probably end up eating too much.